A transplant from a humid and far-flung southern land, Puerca Blanca is a quiet pig. She prefers to sit demurely, allowing others to speak, waiting her turn. She is conversant... in technology. (Also, Spanish.) Always polite, always just so. Is she a mute? SHE IS A LADY.
Our Lady In White enjoys wordplay, space, and delicious index cards. What we say, she remembers. Behold.
DragonCon 2021 (September 3-6, 2021)
Hey, is that a kitchen?
It's a very localized apocalypse.
We'll accept your deal of having muscles.
How tall are adults?
My grandfather says Vienna sausages and Zero bars make good fishing bait. I wasn't going to mention it, but...
I'm eight feet tall, unkillable, and passed out in my own piss.
Dragon*Con 2019 (August 29 - September 2, 2019)
"Just like my grandmother used to say, 'just because you're selling someone turtle eggs doesn't mean they're going to buy them.'" "What is a turtle?!"
These root vegetables are going down.
You're bumping into shelves like an unruly Roomba.
Cheese Wedge Special: Extra Life 2018 (November 3, 2018)
Paul: When you have enough AC, you don't need feats!
Abigail: In life, we're only guaranteed life. In death, there's no reason why I can't die!
Paul: Great to know; terrible to imagine.
Abigail: I have a plus ten... oh, I have a plus *zero* Diplomacy. I did *not* read that correctly.
Paul: It disappears, because corpses disappear.
Stan (disappointed): Aw.
Paul: This is not the kind of role-playing I planned for. It's only the kind I dreamt of.
Stan: If you suggest you want to ride me, you may get a suggestion of "sure."
Dragon*Con 2018 (August 30 - September 3, 2018)
I'm a little bit curious. Can I use your rock?
The other nice thing is: fire makes light.
There's all these pictures of kids. There's got to be Gogurt in there.
If you guys weren't hungry, Davey would still be alive today! I gave you some Hubba Bubba!
I have the perfect alibi: I'm boring.
"We're getting closer to Ready Player One!" "Yeah, but it'll be closer to Reddit Player One."
When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like fermented walrus milk.
These polar bears are gangsters!
I was so mad! But only in a miniscule way.
Cheese Wedge XVII (June 16, 2018)
Robbie: I want five Cheese Points for free.
Micah: You don't have any money.
Robbie holds up a single dollar.
Micah: Oh wow, a dollar.
Abigail: I want to ask him if I can eat his pie.
Abigail: I'm comic relief! That's the most important part!
Jonathan: I have a bow, but attacking seems so passé.
Paul: How dare you hurt the monkey!
Abigail: Power attack it.
Bill: All you've done is kill animals.
Abigail: No, I killed a person!
Michael: I cast see invisibility.
Paul: You see your unseen servant. You're struck blind by its ugliness. Man was not meant to see such a thing.
NashiCon 2018 (March 23-25, 2018)
"What do 3rd graders read? Call of the Wild?" "No, third graders read Breath of the Wild."
You guys just see me open this cookie and pass out.
Since I'm the only one who hasn't peed myself yet, can I?
We're kind of like food!
That's how you get disease. I'm a steam engine mechanic. I know how it works.
Well, at least we'll be arrested for something interesting.
On the bright side, I get to go back home to my toaster.
Cheese Wedge XVI (September 16, 2017)
Abigail: I'm stupid. I don't have to be funny.
Robbie: Dad, you're gonna hate me.
Bill: I already do.
Abigail: Can I just die so I can come back not as Good?
Cheese Wedge XV (June 17, 2017)
Abigail: DUUUDE, do you know how hard it was for me to choose between my friends and the Cheese Wedge?
Paul: What he's doing is basically like going into the open maw of a dragon.
Michael: You've got to have faith.
Bill: I ask permission of the gazebo to have a nice day in the park. (Rolls a natural 20) With my Diplomacy modifier, that's a 19!
Jonathan: Suddenly, behind the trolls, there's a thud. And they turn and see a projector screen, and it's showing post from Reddit that says, "Guys, I would really love it if someone could critique my screenplay."
Bill: If I'm this good at not getting hit, I'm probably good at other things.
Abigail: (regarding her father's character's death) It's like a precious shiny box handed to me on Christmas.
Paul: Salazar says, "You know this tournament is voluntary, right?"
Bill: Not when your kid makes you come.
Abigail: If I'm in the finals, I will kill someone so hard.
NashiCon 2017 (March 31-April 2, 2017)
I have the wisdom of Solomon. I know exactly how to handle that. I pull out a machete.
Yes, let's go to another house and pee ourselves.
That can't be my diary - I'm illiterate!
Cheese Wedge XIV (September 17, 2016)
Robbie: I'll use a cheese point for him!
Bill: Why are you doing this?
Paul: Because he's not paying for them.
Bill: It's his allowance money.
Robbie realizes and takes his cheese point back.
Abigail: It's a dragon. It's like the size of a gazebo. Imagine the damage it can do.
Stan: I may be dating a lizard.
Abigail: It's not fair she gets to do that!
Bill: It's perfectly fair – her parents love her more.
Cheese Wedge XIII (June 18, 2016)
Robbie: How long am I evil?
Robbie: Until I die?
Paul: Yeah, until you die.
Robbie. ... someone kill me!
Bill: I paid the cover charge. Rolls a Bluff check, stares, then uses a Sharp Cheddar point.
Jonathan: I give Salazar free Cinemax.
Paul: Gnomesy says "I want unknown hands in the dark to make me feel good!"
Jasper: Oh, that's like thirty... eight.
Paul: You're suddenly covered in Vaseline and nobody knows why.
Abigail: Maybe you can blind him with your uniform.
Michael: I'm going to step back five feet and deploy a bear trap in front of me.
Robbie: I am going to Perception check, just so I know a lot.
Cheese Wedge XII (September 12, 2015)
Maya: Can I be Nikki Minaj? I mean, theoretically, could that work?
Kevin: I wish we were all in the next room.
Paul: He's a cubic wolf.
Paul: What do you do for your round of prep?
Brooklyn: Can I get married?
Maya: You always say hypothetically before you DON'T DO SOMETHING!
Blake: The golem has already threatened us with threatening gazes.
Paul: Does a steak avoid a grill? Not in my experience.
Blake: (playing a cleric) You mean I can burst heal?
Abigail: I love being a child. <3
Paul: What's the spell you cast every time?
Maya: Uh... Speed running! Long fast!
Maya: fevered nodding
MoatCon 4 (December 11-13, 2015)
Tell me the story of this dice pool.
Are you human, or French?
There's no removin' love, cousin.
I ferociously dismiss his heroism.
(punctuated with punches) RE. PAINT. THIS. ROOM.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Righty tighty, lefty loosey... oh.
Dragon*Con 2015 (September 3-7, 2015)
Wow, that is impressive. Chicken capitol of the world.
It's not of an impolite width.
I'm tired of his cursive.
"We're gonna argue a matter of theology." "Dragon*Con!"
It's a uter-US, not a uter-me.
I would be happy to clean chamber pots any time!
300 gold? That's great! It reminds me of a time... Yes, I remember it well. Anyway... yes.
Get your muddy boots out of my O.R..
Is there a Werewolf game in there? Is there a secret Werewolf game in there?
"Did you go down a fire pole?" "No, I went down the stairs, but they don't go down, they go sideways." "... did you go up a fire pole?"
Windows are see-through before you break them.
I don't mind shimmyin'!
Firefly Fridays (April 7, 2015)
"Just because you would fall down near a mulberry bush DOES NOT mean that is what people do to mulberry bushes." "Well, we did."
Are you on a last syllable basis with Ganondorf?
A woman enters victors room and says she loves him. "That's easy – she's after your money."
I understand the nutritional value human flesh offers.
Explain this to me as though you were talking to me.
Do not mess with me! I am literally the harsh light of day right now!
Cheese Wedge X (September 13, 2014)
Paul: (loads the gazebo room) Everyone's favorite!
Stan: Actually, I'm just going to keep pounding away at the gazebo.
Michael: The Gazebo doesn't have ears!
Maya: Then why'd you talk to it?!
Maya: (for her round of prep) Magical pretty girl transformation mage armor!
Abigail: (People are discussing how various Planeteers would react to Maya lying to them.) WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!
Paul: Do you rage?
Abi: I don't think so.
Paul: That doesn't sound like the Lady Barbarian I know.
Abi: I'm trying to be smart.
Maya: Bulbasaur, you dingus!
Paul: How are you feeling?
Stan: Well, I'm dominated, so...
Paul: Will, was it Callonesque who died?
Will: Yeah, what else does he do well?
Dragon*Con 2014 (August 28 - September 1, 2014)
Continuity is power.
As an elderly man, I am quite old, and I am aware of that.
Someone has inserted themselves into my yurt.
Actually, I have been punked!
"Goat bird?" That's another holiday.
Is that Penguintron you just rode in on?
Yeah! I like my ladies blind!
"The village discovers gossip." "Nah, dude, I already live here."
I ask if it is acceptable to tickle her chin with my beard.
I shall briefly endure the idea of hag love.
He knows better than to go hitting on random princesses.
You can't fight in a skirt. You've gotta fight in underwear.
The Marriott lobby on Sunday night is slash fiction. The rest of "this hotel is science fiction." Ray Bradbury.
Cheese Wedge IX (June 21, 2014)
Pete: Wetting myself sounds real good right now.
Max: There's no way I can unpiss him off. Wait, do I have Diplomacy? checks sheet Yeah, there's no way I'm unpissing him off.
Liz: Aw, man, I gotta behead this guy.
Paul: You feel safe. It's a bad feeling, but you feel it.
Jason: I cheese point with him.
Stan: But I just got this +5 dagger!
Erik: I should have spent more time drinking potions.
Abigail: I'm going to take my sword and kill him by trying.
Abigail: Daddy! It's your friend the skeleton! It's your friend the skeleton!!!
Jason: He was a skeleton with a knife until he took a sack to the face.
Max: I go up to the dragon and say, "Hey, what's up, bro?" But I don't really say that.
Jason: I use my move action to pull out my ointment of fly. I use my standard to slather myself in sweet, sweet fly.
Stan: I'll delay until he tugs as well.
Abigail: Eat death, zombie!
Abigail: Zombies, eat my brains! It's worse than nothing!
Cheese Wedge VIII (April 19, 2014)
Paul's Dad (off being invited to come play): No, that's okay. Y'all been doing this so long, I don't want to come along and beat you. I don't know much about those 18-sided dice.
Abigail: Yeah! Another barbarian! You should rage a lot. It's so useful.
Dani: Oh, no. The entire room is made of spears.
Jonathan: Are all the dwarves large now? Spectacular!
Paul: NATURAL 20! SUCK IT, GNOMESY!
Will: I delay for the sorcerer to make a Knowledge roll
Eric: I have no knowledge. All I know is fire.
Doug: That must be the first time I've seen a crowbar related death.
Stephan: I reroll with my shirt.
Paul is bewildered. Stephan points to his shirt.
Paul: That's a Pathfinder Society shirt.
Stephan: It's worth a reroll.
Firefly Fridays (March 9, 2014)
Why does it make you so happy that I have an inept tongue?
There are many activities that are better done when the body is limp and docile.
"Toothpaste? What happens when you have no teeth, sir?" "There are other bones."
We then search for lovers in the forest.
I actually invented the moon.
My daughter is very manly. And you are very feminine. Like my daughter!
I think that I found out that you are me.
Corn is money, and it's also corn.
"So, how do you feel about the world ending tomorrow?" "Suck."
Cheese Wedge Special: Scarab 2014 (January 18-19, 2014)
Jonathan: I hit on the salamander. What's her Charisma score?
Jonathan: Uh, yeah! Wait, uh, wait... no.
Paul: You know you're walking amid burning gnomes corpses.
Michael (as a paladin): That doesn't really bother me
Abigail: Tell them that I am bigger than them and if they keep doing that, I will punch them in the face!
Jonathan: I look up at where Salazar's watching us. I wink at him... and now we begin.
Paul (as leprechaun): Can I offer you all a wish?
Bill: That doesn't hit. I missed a building. Okay.
Jonathan: If you delay a round, it will really make my illusion pop.
Abigail: I turn into rage.
Paul D.: I'm fondling my dice; do you mind?
Paul: I... I don't.
Bill: Gnomesy can only be hit by buildings and the Hulk.
Cheese Wedge VII (September 14, 2013)
Paul: Do you inspire the skeleton?
Jonathan: With how high they are, I might have to role Knowledge (planes).
Erick: The fort was awesome. It cured my blindness
Douglas: Can I use my Diplomacy to convince Death to give me two cards for free?
Paul: Yes, you can!
Erick: I pull out my axe and try to develop laser vision. I got an 8.
Lon: I can't go forward with levitate?
Paul: No, that's called fly.
Lon: I can't... lean forward and catch a breeze?
Erick: I'm going to caress the door inappropriately.
Jason: What does the fox say?
Jason: I'm pretty sure that's what the Tobes says when there's a TPK.
Erick: That brings up several questions, like, 'What is America?,' and 'What is the republican party?'
Jonathan: The xills know. That's all that matters.
Dragon*Con 2013 (August 29 - September 2, 2013)
I need help with a bad name. 'Mantooth?' No, Mantooth is a cool name.
You know that power of being the only one in a hallway? Yeah – I wanna feel that.
The ducks... need us?
As a friend of beards, I hope your beards are long and prosperous.
That is not a bike. That is adorable.
He wanders drunkenly up and insults the walruses.
Yesterday, I got out of bed just to hate that kid. Today, I'm gonna love him just as hard.
"No biting." "No promises."
We're a little hexed around the edges, but... meh!
Cheese Wedge VI (June 15, 2013)
Dave: Will it give me partial cover?
Paul: HAA HA HA... no.
Jason (serious as the grave): If you cheese point with me, I will turn around on my next turn and kill you.
Will: Big Mo! It's showtime! Oh... no... I'm inside him. I don't like this at all.
Jason: I pick up the large pie, and I take a big 'ole bite. I go into a rage. "I HATE POISENBERRY!"
Stephen: What do I need? A 30? I made it. Whatever.
Jason: Sorry about your pie. I wish to buy it.
Paul: He's immune to fireball and nothing else. He treats crossbow bolts as little fireballs.
ConCarolinas 2013 (May 31 - June 2, 2013)
Some kind of... polter-ization.
The most ominous punctuation.
That's the most beautiful instance of child abuse I've ever heard.
Seven bears? But my revolver only has six bullets!
I need to un-bubblegum my wife.
Cheese Wedge V (May 18, 2013)
Andy: I'm going to Cheese point
Paul: With whom?
Max (with exasperation): Guess!
Max: He said to look within ourselves. I rip into Andy's chest.
Andy resignedly holds up a Cheese Point.
Andy: I didn't think I was going to poop my pants, but I did! We were all surprised.
Firefly Fridays (May 11, 2013)
That sounds like a thing I'm not.
You can boop me anywhere but, so help me, if you boop my feet you will be counter-booped.
She's in China doing Asian things... like math!
Firefly Fridays (April 5, 2013)
The show where they go to space... and get lost... Lost in Space!
"It's Jason; he'll like it." <later> Jason: "I like it."
"I'm choking on my water." "That's called drowning."
Firefly Fridays (February 22, 2013)
"Let's Google what's wrong with you." "... it's a gunshot wound."
"Was it the water or the stabbing that killed it?" "It was probably a combination of both."
Cheese Wedge IV (February 16, 2013)
Jonathan: Click on the beach ball!
Katie: How do I click?!
Paul: It makes a plant noise.
Jared: Whoa, how did it heal itself?
Firefly Fridays (February 1, 2013)
Wait, wait... it's a robot spider in a rat costume?
Okay, so you've hacked the horse.
Nothing concerning your loins should go into Puerca.
That's fine. Tonight, I'm a hooker.
Stop saying you lost the game when you lose the game! Nobody cares!
"Why is Haley like a bunny?" "She eats her own poop?" "... I would have gone with 'she is cute.'"
Firefly Fridays (January 26, 2013)
"I need a big cigar-type thing." "Like a penis?"
The group I used to play with, we had a thing about elephants. Oh, wait, I mean woolly mammoths.
Your diligence is noted. Please stop.
There's beard hair all over the highway.
A buxom redhead, played by Batman, played by Christian Bale.
I want to be the bartender who watches people get murdered and then lies about it.
Let me feed this back to you: are my chocolate Krispy Kreme dice filled with cocaine?
SCARAB 2013 (January 18-20, 2013)
Who'd have thought that Vienna sausages were worth a d8.
I only snort steak.
"What's the duckie for?" "For bathing."
He has a sack-and-a-half.
I danced on this table. There is nothing wrong with this table!
"How do you fight the crowd of teenie-boppers?" "I am an excellent shot."
Is he legumosexual?
I like how "magnificent" means "pink."
Firefly Fridays (January 11, 2013)
"You can be Batman." "... I'm Batman."
You don't know what fun is until you've dated a medical oddity.
Welcome to the gun show. <kisses biceps> No background check!
I came very close to being a diamond smuggler in South Africa.
She likes a man who's confident in his femininity.
"What's his name? Space Whore?" "Space Boy." "Oh."
"This is the best character I've ever made." "That is like a whole essay about your life, Max."
This isn't porn; that's not going to work.
"You both look kinda familiar." "I just have one of those faces." "I don't." "I don't have a face."
Firefly Fridays (December 22, 2012)
What about the rich people who put themselves in those frozen chamber things?
"My name's Mitch." "You know, that's a very nice name... very manly." "We will deal with this when we get out of this haunted house!" "You bet we will, honey."
Most people hate the sound of Styrofoam. That's why the bargain sex toy industry failed.
It can't be racist – I drink it all the time! Why is purple drank racist?! Why is... oh.
Firefly Fridays (old)
"Wow, we have so many mesmers." "That's mesmerizing!" "That wasn't funny." "I'm not Tobes, okay?!"
"You know it's fake, right?" "No, it's not! It's psychology!"
"How do you break a crowbar?" "I'm psychotic."
Labradoodles aren't horrible. They just don't shed.
So these are Acererak's Jefferies tubes?
No amount of fooling around with that hand will reattach it, and I fooled around with it a lot.
Andy's laptop will be our maptop.
I'm still suspicious of this lick-it-and-stick-it business.
When I see part of the hospital collapse, it breaks me out of my witch hunt.
I'm at the fringes of my sanity. I don't even know what a ditch is.
"Are you conditioning me to laugh?" "No, I'm conditioning me to laugh."
My two medicines are vitamins and steak.
He's getting ready to start some serious homeowners association sh*t.
I notice that behind the stage there are enhancements like "boots" and "gloves."
I should have been Captain Jacques Swallow... never mind.