Puerca Blanca

• Hey, is that a kitchen?

• It's a very localized apocalypse.

• We'll accept your deal of having muscles.

• How tall are adults?

• My grandfather says Vienna sausages and Zero bars make good fishing bait. I wasn't going to mention it, but...

• I'm eight feet tall, unkillable, and passed out in my own piss.

• "Just like my grandmother used to say, 'just because you're selling someone turtle eggs doesn't mean they're going to buy them.'" "What is a turtle?!"

• These root vegetables are going down.

• You're bumping into shelves like an unruly Roomba.

Paul: When you have enough AC, you don't need feats!

Abigail: In life, we're only guaranteed life. In death, there's no reason why I can't die!

Paul: Great to know; terrible to imagine.

Abigail: I have a plus ten... oh, I have a plus *zero* Diplomacy. I did *not* read that correctly.

Paul: It disappears, because corpses disappear.

Stan (disappointed): Aw.

Paul: This is not the kind of role-playing I planned for. It's only the kind I dreamt of.

Stan: If you suggest you want to ride me, you may get a suggestion of "sure."

• I'm a little bit curious. Can I use your rock?

• The other nice thing is: fire makes light.

• There's all these pictures of kids. There's got to be Gogurt in there.

• If you guys weren't hungry, Davey would still be alive today! I gave you some Hubba Bubba!

• Oo, pigs!

• I have the perfect alibi: I'm boring.

• "We're getting closer to Ready Player One!" "Yeah, but it'll be closer to Reddit Player One."

• When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like fermented walrus milk.

• These polar bears are gangsters!

• I was so mad! But only in a miniscule way.

Robbie: I want five Cheese Points for free.

Micah: You don't have any money.

Robbie holds up a single dollar.

Micah: Oh wow, a dollar.

Abigail: I want to ask him if I can eat his pie.

Abigail: I'm comic relief! That's the most important part!

Jonathan: I have a bow, but attacking seems so passé.

Paul: How dare you hurt the monkey!

Abigail: Power attack it.

Bill: All you've done is kill animals.

Abigail: No, I killed a person!

Michael: I cast see invisibility.

Paul: You see your unseen servant. You're struck blind by its ugliness. Man was not meant to see such a thing.

• "What do 3rd graders read? Call of the Wild?" "No, third graders read Breath of the Wild."

• You guys just see me open this cookie and pass out.

• Since I'm the only one who hasn't peed myself yet, can I?

• We're kind of like food!

• That's how you get disease. I'm a steam engine mechanic. I know how it works.

• Well, at least we'll be arrested for something interesting.

• On the bright side, I get to go back home to my toaster.

Abigail: I'm stupid. I don't have to be funny.

Robbie: Dad, you're gonna hate me.

Bill: I already do.

Abigail: Can I just die so I can come back not as Good?

Abigail: DUUUDE, do you know how hard it was for me to choose between my friends and the Cheese Wedge?

Paul: What he's doing is basically like going into the open maw of a dragon.

Michael: You've got to have faith.

Bill: I ask permission of the gazebo to have a nice day in the park. (Rolls a natural 20) With my Diplomacy modifier, that's a 19!

Jonathan: Suddenly, behind the trolls, there's a thud. And they turn and see a projector screen, and it's showing post from Reddit that says, "Guys, I would really love it if someone could critique my screenplay."

Bill: If I'm this good at not getting hit, I'm probably good at other things.

Abigail: (regarding her father's character's death) It's like a precious shiny box handed to me on Christmas.

Paul: Salazar says, "You know this tournament is voluntary, right?"

Bill: Not when your kid makes you come.

Abigail: If I'm in the finals, I will kill someone so hard.

• I have the wisdom of Solomon. I know exactly how to handle that. I pull out a machete.

• Yes, let's go to another house and pee ourselves.

• That can't be my diary - I'm illiterate!

Robbie: I'll use a cheese point for him!

Bill: Why are you doing this?

Paul: Because he's not paying for them.

Bill: It's his allowance money.

Robbie realizes and takes his cheese point back.

Abigail: It's a dragon. It's like the size of a gazebo. Imagine the damage it can do.

Stan: I may be dating a lizard.

Abigail: It's not fair she gets to do that!

Bill: It's perfectly fair – her parents love her more.

Robbie: How long am I evil?

Paul: Forever.

Robbie: Until I die?

Paul: Yeah, until you die.

Robbie. ... someone kill me!

Bill: I paid the cover charge. Rolls a Bluff check, stares, then uses a Sharp Cheddar point.

Jonathan: I give Salazar free Cinemax.

Paul: Gnomesy says "I want unknown hands in the dark to make me feel good!"

Jasper: Oh, that's like thirty... eight.

Paul: You're suddenly covered in Vaseline and nobody knows why.

Abigail: Maybe you can blind him with your uniform.

Michael: I'm going to step back five feet and deploy a bear trap in front of me.

Robbie: I am going to Perception check, just so I know a lot.

Maya: Can I be Nikki Minaj? I mean, theoretically, could that work?

Kevin: I wish we were all in the next room.

Everyone: NOOO!

Paul: He's a cubic wolf.

Paul: What do you do for your round of prep?

Brooklyn: Can I get married?

Maya: You always say hypothetically before you DON'T DO SOMETHING!

Blake: The golem has already threatened us with threatening gazes.

Paul: Does a steak avoid a grill? Not in my experience.

Blake: (playing a cleric) You mean I can burst heal?

Abigail: I love being a child. <3

Paul: What's the spell you cast every time?

Maya: Uh... Speed running! Long fast!

Paul: Longstrider.

Maya: fevered nodding

• Tell me the story of this dice pool.

• Are you human, or French?

• There's no removin' love, cousin.

• I ferociously dismiss his heroism.

• (punctuated with punches) RE. PAINT. THIS. ROOM.

• Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Righty tighty, lefty loosey... oh.

• Wow, that is impressive. Chicken capitol of the world.

• It's not of an impolite width.

• I'm tired of his cursive.

• "We're gonna argue a matter of theology." "Dragon*Con!"

• It's a uter-US, not a uter-me.

• I would be happy to clean chamber pots any time!

• 300 gold? That's great! It reminds me of a time... Yes, I remember it well. Anyway... yes.

• Get your muddy boots out of my O.R..

• Is there a Werewolf game in there? Is there a secret Werewolf game in there?

• "Did you go down a fire pole?" "No, I went down the stairs, but they don't go down, they go sideways." "... did you go up a fire pole?"

• Windows are see-through before you break them.

• I don't mind shimmyin'!

• "Just because you would fall down near a mulberry bush DOES NOT mean that is what people do to mulberry bushes." "Well, we did."

• Are you on a last syllable basis with Ganondorf?

• A woman enters victors room and says she loves him. "That's easy – she's after your money."

• I understand the nutritional value human flesh offers.

• Explain this to me as though you were talking to me.

• Do not mess with me! I am literally the harsh light of day right now!

Paul: (loads the gazebo room) Everyone's favorite!

General groaning.

Stan: Actually, I'm just going to keep pounding away at the gazebo.

Michael: The Gazebo doesn't have ears!

Maya: Then why'd you talk to it?!

Maya: (for her round of prep) Magical pretty girl transformation mage armor!

Abigail: (People are discussing how various Planeteers would react to Maya lying to them.) WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!

Paul: Do you rage?

Abi: I don't think so.

Paul: That doesn't sound like the Lady Barbarian I know.

Abi: I'm trying to be smart.

Maya: Bulbasaur, you dingus!

Paul: How are you feeling?

Stan: Well, I'm dominated, so...

Paul: Will, was it Callonesque who died?

Will: Yeah, what else does he do well?

• Continuity is power.

• As an elderly man, I am quite old, and I am aware of that.

• Someone has inserted themselves into my yurt.

• Actually, I have been punked!

• "Goat bird?" That's another holiday.

• Is that Penguintron you just rode in on?

• Yeah! I like my ladies blind!

• "The village discovers gossip." "Nah, dude, I already live here."

• I ask if it is acceptable to tickle her chin with my beard.

• I shall briefly endure the idea of hag love.

• He knows better than to go hitting on random princesses.

• You can't fight in a skirt. You've gotta fight in underwear.

• The Marriott lobby on Sunday night is slash fiction. The rest of "this hotel is science fiction." Ray Bradbury.

Pete: Wetting myself sounds real good right now.

Max: There's no way I can unpiss him off. Wait, do I have Diplomacy? checks sheet Yeah, there's no way I'm unpissing him off.

Liz: Aw, man, I gotta behead this guy.

Paul: You feel safe. It's a bad feeling, but you feel it.

Jason: I cheese point with him.

Stan: But I just got this +5 dagger!

Erik: I should have spent more time drinking potions.

Abigail: I'm going to take my sword and kill him by trying.

Abigail: Daddy! It's your friend the skeleton! It's your friend the skeleton!!!

Jason: He was a skeleton with a knife until he took a sack to the face.

Max: I go up to the dragon and say, "Hey, what's up, bro?" But I don't really say that.

Jason: I use my move action to pull out my ointment of fly. I use my standard to slather myself in sweet, sweet fly.

Stan: I'll delay until he tugs as well.

Abigail: Eat death, zombie!

Abigail: Zombies, eat my brains! It's worse than nothing!

Paul's Dad (off being invited to come play): No, that's okay. Y'all been doing this so long, I don't want to come along and beat you. I don't know much about those 18-sided dice.

Abigail: Yeah! Another barbarian! You should rage a lot. It's so useful.

Dani: Oh, no. The entire room is made of spears.

Jonathan: Are all the dwarves large now? Spectacular!

Paul: NATURAL 20! SUCK IT, GNOMESY!

Will: I delay for the sorcerer to make a Knowledge roll

Eric: I have no knowledge. All I know is fire.

Doug: That must be the first time I've seen a crowbar related death.

Stephan: I reroll with my shirt.

Paul is bewildered. Stephan points to his shirt.

Paul: That's a Pathfinder Society shirt.

Stephan: It's worth a reroll.

• Why does it make you so happy that I have an inept tongue?

• There are many activities that are better done when the body is limp and docile.

• "Toothpaste? What happens when you have no teeth, sir?" "There are other bones."

• We then search for lovers in the forest.

• I actually invented the moon.

• My daughter is very manly. And you are very feminine. Like my daughter!

• I think that I found out that you are me.

• Corn is money, and it's also corn.

• "So, how do you feel about the world ending tomorrow?" "Suck."

Jonathan: I hit on the salamander. What's her Charisma score?

Paul: 18.

Jonathan: Uh, yeah! Wait, uh, wait... no.

Paul: You know you're walking amid burning gnomes corpses.

Michael (as a paladin): That doesn't really bother me

Abigail: Tell them that I am bigger than them and if they keep doing that, I will punch them in the face!

Jonathan: I look up at where Salazar's watching us. I wink at him... and now we begin.

Paul (as leprechaun): Can I offer you all a wish?

Abigail: NOOO!!

Bill: That doesn't hit. I missed a building. Okay.

Jonathan: If you delay a round, it will really make my illusion pop.

Abigail: I turn into rage.

Paul D.: I'm fondling my dice; do you mind?

Paul: I... I don't.

Bill: Gnomesy can only be hit by buildings and the Hulk.

Paul: Do you inspire the skeleton?

Amanda: Sure...?

Jonathan: With how high they are, I might have to role Knowledge (planes).

Erick: The fort was awesome. It cured my blindness

Douglas: Can I use my Diplomacy to convince Death to give me two cards for free?

Paul: Yes, you can!

Erick: I pull out my axe and try to develop laser vision. I got an 8.

Lon: I can't go forward with levitate?

Paul: No, that's called fly.

Lon: I can't... lean forward and catch a breeze?

Erick: I'm going to caress the door inappropriately.

Jason: What does the fox say?

Andy: RINGDINGDINGDINGDINGERDING.

Jason: I'm pretty sure that's what the Tobes says when there's a TPK.

Erick: That brings up several questions, like, 'What is America?,' and 'What is the republican party?'

Jonathan: The xills know. That's all that matters.

• I need help with a bad name. 'Mantooth?' No, Mantooth is a cool name.

• You know that power of being the only one in a hallway? Yeah – I wanna feel that.

• The ducks... need us?

• As a friend of beards, I hope your beards are long and prosperous.

• That is not a bike. That is adorable.

• He wanders drunkenly up and insults the walruses.

• Yesterday, I got out of bed just to hate that kid. Today, I'm gonna love him just as hard.

• "No biting." "No promises."

• We're a little hexed around the edges, but... meh!

Dave: Will it give me partial cover?

Paul: HAA HA HA... no.

Jason (serious as the grave): If you cheese point with me, I will turn around on my next turn and kill you.

Will: Big Mo! It's showtime! Oh... no... I'm inside him. I don't like this at all.

Jason: I pick up the large pie, and I take a big 'ole bite. I go into a rage. "I HATE POISENBERRY!"

Stephen: What do I need? A 30? I made it. Whatever.

Jason: Sorry about your pie. I wish to buy it.

Paul: He's immune to fireball and nothing else. He treats crossbow bolts as little fireballs.

• Some kind of... polter-ization.

• The most ominous punctuation.

• That's the most beautiful instance of child abuse I've ever heard.

• Bear-oin.

• Seven bears? But my revolver only has six bullets!

• I need to un-bubblegum my wife.

Andy: I'm going to Cheese point

Paul: With whom?

Max (with exasperation): Guess!

Max: He said to look within ourselves. I rip into Andy's chest.

Andy resignedly holds up a Cheese Point.

Andy: I didn't think I was going to poop my pants, but I did! We were all surprised.

• That sounds like a thing I'm not.

• You can boop me anywhere but, so help me, if you boop my feet you will be counter-booped.

• She's in China doing Asian things... like math!

• The show where they go to space... and get lost... Lost in Space!

• "It's Jason; he'll like it." <later> Jason: "I like it."

• "I'm choking on my water." "That's called drowning."

• "Let's Google what's wrong with you." "... it's a gunshot wound."

• "Was it the water or the stabbing that killed it?" "It was probably a combination of both."

Jonathan: Click on the beach ball!

Katie: How do I click?!

Paul: It makes a plant noise.

Maya: "Photosyyyynthesiiize."

Jared: Whoa, how did it heal itself?

Maya: Photosynthesis!

• Wait, wait... it's a robot spider in a rat costume?

• Okay, so you've hacked the horse.

• Nothing concerning your loins should go into Puerca.

• That's fine. Tonight, I'm a hooker.

• Stop saying you lost the game when you lose the game! Nobody cares!

• "Why is Haley like a bunny?" "She eats her own poop?" "... I would have gone with 'she is cute.'"

• "I need a big cigar-type thing." "Like a penis?"

• The group I used to play with, we had a thing about elephants. Oh, wait, I mean woolly mammoths.

• Your diligence is noted. Please stop.

• There's beard hair all over the highway.

• A buxom redhead, played by Batman, played by Christian Bale.

• I want to be the bartender who watches people get murdered and then lies about it.

• Let me feed this back to you: are my chocolate Krispy Kreme dice filled with cocaine?

• Who'd have thought that Vienna sausages were worth a d8.

• I only snort steak.

• "What's the duckie for?" "For bathing."

• He has a sack-and-a-half.

• I danced on this table. There is nothing wrong with this table!

• "How do you fight the crowd of teenie-boppers?" "I am an excellent shot."

• Is he legumosexual?

• I like how "magnificent" means "pink."

• "You can be Batman." "... I'm Batman."

• You don't know what fun is until you've dated a medical oddity.

• Welcome to the gun show. <kisses biceps> No background check!

• I came very close to being a diamond smuggler in South Africa.

• She likes a man who's confident in his femininity.

• "What's his name? Space Whore?" "Space Boy." "Oh."

• "This is the best character I've ever made." "That is like a whole essay about your life, Max."

• This isn't porn; that's not going to work.

• "You both look kinda familiar." "I just have one of those faces." "I don't." "I don't have a face."

• What about the rich people who put themselves in those frozen chamber things?

• "My name's Mitch." "You know, that's a very nice name... very manly." "We will deal with this when we get out of this haunted house!" "You bet we will, honey."

• Most people hate the sound of Styrofoam. That's why the bargain sex toy industry failed.

• It can't be racist – I drink it all the time! Why is purple drank racist?! Why is... oh.

• "Wow, we have so many mesmers." "That's mesmerizing!" "That wasn't funny." "I'm not Tobes, okay?!"

• "You know it's fake, right?" "No, it's not! It's psychology!"

• "How do you break a crowbar?" "I'm psychotic."

• Labradoodles aren't horrible. They just don't shed.

• So these are Acererak's Jefferies tubes?

• No amount of fooling around with that hand will reattach it, and I fooled around with it a lot.

• Andy's laptop will be our maptop.

• I'm still suspicious of this lick-it-and-stick-it business.

• When I see part of the hospital collapse, it breaks me out of my witch hunt.

• I'm at the fringes of my sanity. I don't even know what a ditch is.

• "Are you conditioning me to laugh?" "No, I'm conditioning me to laugh."

• My two medicines are vitamins and steak.

• He's getting ready to start some serious homeowners association sh*t.

• I notice that behind the stage there are enhancements like "boots" and "gloves."

• I should have been Captain Jacques Swallow... never mind.